You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
