Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
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