Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
