Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
