dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
