So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
