I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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