Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
