The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
