I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
