It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize