Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
someone owes me an orgasm
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
