Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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