so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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