chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
