You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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