batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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