I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
