People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
