yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
