apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
