I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
