Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
