Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
