i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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