Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
