The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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