I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
