he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
