His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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