Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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