and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
