She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
