I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
