a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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