just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You made out with two different species that night
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
