So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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