my phone needs a breathalizer
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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