You really coming over, don't trick.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
