Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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