why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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