he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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