Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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