Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
