If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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