Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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