i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
