I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
