She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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