I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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