just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Come see our sink grown plant.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
