in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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