YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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