every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
