Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
