I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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