I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
